Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Randomize
