Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
