i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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