Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I can't trust your balls anymore.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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