She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
