ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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