hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
