Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
