did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
