In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just want nice things and good sex
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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