I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
