After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I wear drunk well.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
