whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
