I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
