Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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