he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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