Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
