my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Im part way to drunk.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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