I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
