Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
