There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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