the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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