We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
