I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
