I just threw up on my dentist
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
