I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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