If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
