Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
