I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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