i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I love you.
Bad choice
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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