Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
