you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
