Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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