soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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