The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize