my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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