umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
