i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
