I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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