a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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