I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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