i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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