Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
