He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
