literally had 100 drinks last night.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
