god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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