Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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