I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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