The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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