theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
