my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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