Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
