There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize