Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
