My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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