You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
