This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
