This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
