so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
